User talk:PPJU/sandbox
Cesar Rangel — Preceding unsigned comment added by CesarSalad3000 (talk • contribs) 23:32, 28 November 2018 (UTC) Your Lead was bit choppy, you fit too many ideas into one sentences. You can split it up into two or more parts so they flow better. The clarity of the article could be worked on since you have too many subheadings and that makes your whole paper choppy and very short so it doesn't flow correctly. Delete some of the subheadings and unite the ideas and it will sound better. Very good info on the Pacific appeal and The elevator.
Sylvia Benedict:
Lead: your lead was good but I don't think it is necessary to repeat Philip Bell's name twice but it did help provide background which was useful to understand the rest of the article.
Clarity: Overall, your writing was pretty clear however, maybe you reduce the amount of subheadings that you have and put them into the same categories because it felt a little repetitive. You did have a lot of information about his whole life, from birth to death and everything that he advocated for in his writings.
Neutrality: There was not a lot of biased writing but in one of the middle headings, you did have a passive voice so I would maybe reword the sentence to make it more neutral.
Reliability: Good sources!
Notes: I didn't see reference, see also or external links heading, make sure you have those for the final draft!! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Sylviaeggsbenedict (talk • contribs) 23:16, 28 November 2018 (UTC)
Feedback from Prof. Smith:
Hi Yi,
I think that your article is off to a strong start. You have a lot of excellent information and many solid sources for your article. You main goals for the final revision should focus on cleaning up and streamlining your article, as well as making sure that you have all of the necessary sections for the assignment. Your peer feedback above echoes many of the things that I was going to say: 1) Delete the unnecessary repetition of Bell's name in the lead. 2) The article is choppy because there are so many subheadings with only a tiny bit of information under them. I would eliminate all of the subheadings under "Early Life" and just have one longer paragraph that covers his activism before 1831. Maybe re-title it "Early Life and Activism." 3) I would also consolidate "Personal life" and "Death" into one section since you have so have so little. Also, Bell actually did have a son named Zadock Bell who went the Gold Rush long before him. See here: https://books.google.com/books?id=GALEv2uoSJkC&lpg=PP1&dq=lapp%20blacks%20in%20gold%20rush&pg=PP1#v=onepage&q=zadock&f=false 4)Remember that you need "See Also" and "External Links" sections to have a complete assignment. See the article template that I handed out in class, and that is posted on our Canvas homepage, for details on what to include in these sections and how to format them. StaceySmithOSU (talk) 18:02, 1 December 2018 (UTC)