Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Tank Girl (film)/archive2

• "Based on the British post-apocalyptic comic series of the same name by Alan Martin and Jamie Hewlett that was originally published in Deadline magazine, the film stars Lori Petty, Naomi Watts, Ice-T and Malcolm McDowell." That feels awkward and very dense to me? And it feels weird to have these two clauses together, they aren't related ideas. But that's my personal preference.

• That wording was actually chosen by previous reviewers of this article, so i'd rather keep it as is unless you can come up with a specific alternative. Freikorp (talk) 12:01, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Mm. No worries about that. It's a comment coming more out of my personal taste in this kind of thing. ~Cheers, TenTonParasol 06:28, 30 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Winston's studio wanted to work on the project so much that they cut their usual prices in half in order to meet the film's budget." 'So much' feels a little too colloquial in my opinion, though I can't think of a way to reword it that isn't awkward.

• Noted, but I can't think of a way to reword it either. Freikorp (talk) 00:52, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "[...] Tank Girl recouped only about $6 million of its $25 million budget at the box office, and received mixed to negative reviews from critics." I don't think the comma is being used correctly here? Everything after 'and' is not an independent clause, so I don't think the comma should be there. If it is, ignore the other mentions of such a use below.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:27, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Despite the negative critical reception, and box office failure of the film, it has been cited as an example of a comic book film with a cult following..." I would just remove that first comma and make it a singular clause.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:27, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "In 2022 a comet strikes Earth, causing an 11-year drought." I'd put a comma after 2022, per the next sentence "By 2033, most..."

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:27, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• Why is Malcolm McDowell not wikilinked in the plot section?

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:27, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Kesslee uses Tank Girl to lure the Rippers into the open, but they gravely wound the W&P boss and let Tank Girl and Jet Girl escape." Is "the W&P boss" someone other than Kesslee? I'm a bit confused there.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:27, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "...and her life is in danger from the rising water." Would it be better to go "...and her life is endangered by the rising water"? I'm on the fence regarding that.

• Changed. Freikorp (talk) 00:33, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "...the film sets her up with "classic western generic" emotional and moral justifications for her liberation and revenge on W&P, after she witnesses the slaughter of her boyfriend and her "trusty steed", sees one of the commune's children abducted, and is herself captured and enslaved." I'm not sure what it is about this that confused me. I think it has to do with the "after". I personally would just replace the ", after" following W&P with a colon. There's probably a more elegant solution, though.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:33, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "According to Mainon, the film makes fun of female stereotypes, as shown by Tank Girl's repeated emasculation of Kesslee with witty comebacks, as she is being tortured, and..." The flow feels weird. I suggest "...as shown by Tank Girl's repeated emasculation of Kesslee with witty comebacks while she is being tortured..."

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:44, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• I can't determine, but does this article observe Oxford comma? In some places it does ("MGM held open casting sessions in London, Los Angeles, and New York for the role of Tank Girl."; "She later dropped out, her character's scenes were re-written, and the role was then given to Ann Cusack."), and others it does not ("The device provides seductive clothing and tells Tank Girl to remove her body hair, wear make-up and a wig.") Either way, but it should be consistent.

Ah! That's not an Oxford comma instance, regarding the sentence beginning "The device". But, the sentence is stilla little confusing at the end. I would rephrase to something in the vein of "...and tells Tank Girl to remove her body hair and to wear make-up and a wig." ~Cheers, TenTonParasol 00:24, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• Done. I'm going to be honest with you, I wasn't even familiar with the term Oxford Comma. Copyediting is not my strong point. Freikorp (talk) 00:44, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Talalay read the comic between takes, and was interested in directing a Tank Girl film." Same as earlier, I don't think the comma is used correctly.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:33, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "The studio was unhappy with Hardwicke being chosen over more experienced designers and Talalay had to meet with the producers to persuade them to allow Hardwicke, who was relatively unknown at the time, to work on the project." I would much the clause "who was relatively unknown at the time" up to the first sentence.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:48, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• " According to Talalay, some were skeptical of the open casting, thinking that it was a publicity stunt. This was true to an extent, as she had been asking the studio to cast a well-known English actress, Emily Lloyd, who was replaced after she refused to cut her hair for the role." I'm personally not sure how that makes it in part a publicity stunt. Is it possible to clarify? I might just be a little dense.

• Well Talalay was lobbying for a well known actress. That's what her first choice. If the studio gave her what she wanted it would have made the public casting redundant in terms of finding an actress, though it was still good advertising for the upcoming film itself. Does that make sense? Freikorp (talk) 00:41, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "favourably" to "favorably" for American English; it appears twice in the article. The same sentence has "flavour" but it's in quotes, so I'm not sure what to do there.

• Done for "favourably". I don't think we are supposed to change direct quotes. Granted the quote is technically just how the author spelt out what McDowell said, but McDowell is English so would use British English anyway. Freikorp (talk) 00:33, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "These scenes were filmed instead in a tunnel back at the abandoned mine." The "back" sounds a bit colloquial. I advise simply taking it out.

• done. Freikorp (talk) 00:41, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• I echo Bollyjeff's concerns about mixing date formats, though I personally believe since it's an American film, mdy should be used over dmy.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:13, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "over-schedule" I think that's actualy two words, not hyphenated.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:13, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "It was purchased from the government of Peru about twelve years prior to filming, and had already been used in several films." As earlier, I believe that to be improper comma use.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Greg Graffin from Bad Religion was originally supposed to do the duet..." Sounds too colloquial. "to do" to "to sing"

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "was recorded specifically for the album, after Love approached Weiland asking if he would like to contribute a song." Again, I question if this is correct comma use.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "The single's cover showed the torso and thighs of an animated character resembling Tank Girl, and also featured the tracks "Ripper Sole" and "Girl U Want" from the album." Same as above.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "In the US it peaked at No. 27 on the Mainstream Rock chart" I'd add a comma after US. United States is typed out elsewhere in the article, do the same here.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:13, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Talalay lobbied Restless Records to have the song included on the soundtrack, but was unsuccessful." Again, I think the comma should be dropped.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "However, Ron Hancock of Tower Records stated that sales of the album were disappointing, and attributed this to the financial failure of the film." Again, I think the comma after disappointed is improperly used, and I advise to remove it.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "theatres" I'm not sure what to do about this as I'm relatively sure that "theater" is the American spelling, but I believe the actual usage is mixed. Bringing attention to it regardless, even if I don't have a clear idea on it.

• "Theatres" seems to be present in many good and featured American film articles I looked at. Freikorp (talk) 00:48, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Tank Girl opened in 1,341 theatres in the United States bringing in $2,018,183 in its first weekend, and $2,684,430 at the end of its first week of release." The usual comma correction regarding the ", and" in this sentence.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• Missed italicization on the final Tank Girl in the Initial screening and box office section.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:13, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• Well, I would italicize Tank Girl in the Rotten Tomatoes consensus summary and throughout the critical reception section, but I'm not sure if it's acceptable to edit quotes in that way?

• You're right. I've italicised the RT mention. The only mentions I haven't italicised because they are referring to the character Tank Girl, rather than the film. Freikorp (talk) 12:01, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "In 2001 Matt Brunson" Comma after 2001?

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:16, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Owen Gleiberman gave the film a C– rating, praising Petty's performance, but added it was the only good part of an otherwise "amateurish" film." Add 'he' after 'but'

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:13, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• Wikilink Prozac?

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:13, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Jeffrey Kauffman from Blu-ray.com gave the version four stars out of five for audio and video quality, and three stars for special features." My usual on teh comma here.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:23, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "To boost its declining readership, Deadline featured Tank Girl on its cover many times in 1994 and 1995, in anticipation of the film's release." I'd advice drop the comma after 1995.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:16, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "Subsequently, Tom Astor said the release of the film: "was very helpful, but it did not make up the difference[;] it lost some of its cult appeal without gaining any mainstream credibility."" The punctuation feels odd in this sentence? I would drop the colon.

• Replaced with a comma. Freikorp (talk) 00:16, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "The music video for Avril Lavigne's 2013 song "Rock n Roll" was heavily influenced by Tank Girl, right down to the styling of Lavigne's hair." The phrase "right down" feels too colloquial.

• Shortened sentence by removing that. Freikorp (talk) 00:52, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

• "...Petty was asked why the she thinks the film still resonates with fans, and replied:" There's a stray 'the' in the middle and, per usual comments above, I think that comma shouldn't be there.

• Done. Freikorp (talk) 00:16, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Despite the length of the list, they're small things. Mostly the same comment about a certain usage of comma. ~Cheers, TenTonParasol 00:01, 28 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

1. Thank you very much for your efforts to contribute to Quality improvement on Wikipedia, it's really most appreciated !!!
2. NOTE: Please respond, below entire set of comments, and not interspersed throughout, thanks!
3. Copyvio Detector - https://tools.wmflabs.org/copyvios/?lang=en&project=wikipedia&title=Tank+Girl+%28film%29&oldid=&action=search&use_engine=0&use_links=1 - shows the quote from Roger Ebert is a bit too long -- and also, no need for blockquote format here. Please try to trim/shorten or paraphrase a bit to make the quoted portion smaller, and integrated into paragraph format rather than blockquote.
4. Checklinks tool - http://dispenser.homenet.org/~dispenser/cgi-bin/webchecklinks.py?page=Tank_Girl_%28film%29 - shows a few links that could stand to be archived via Internet Archive] tool Wayback Machine using WP:CIT template fields archivedate and archiveurl -- this will increase the article's posterity over the longer term. Looks like perhaps five (5) more could be archived.
5. Suggest change subsection header Plot to Plot synopsis.
6. Recommend Bibliography be its own two-level-sub-section.
7. Legacy and related media - I think the blockquote could be directly integrated into the article body text in paragraph format, as it's a shorter quote and is a bit jarring to suddenly go to blockquote format there.
8. I very much like the use of in-line-citations in the article, even for the list of Other songs in the film, very well done here !
9. Production -- this section is a bit long on its own, recommend breaking up into a few daughter sects within parent sect Production, some recommendations at WP:MOSFILM of how to title those sub-sub-sects.
10. Good job with the lede intro sect, quite nicely done here !
11. Image review: Recommend formatting two images File:Tank girl poster.jpg and File:Tank Girl film tank.jpg with better fair-use-rationale templates, the former with movie poster and the latter with standard fair-use-rationale template. Otherwise, keep the listed fair use rationale argumentation itself and add it into the fair-use-rationale-templates, as it is very good for both.
12. External links - is there an official website for the film? the film's production company may have one?
13. External links - is there a link that could be added to AllMovie with {{AllMovie title}} perhaps?
14. Very well done on NPOV. Article is neutrally worded, with matter-of-fact tone, throughout. Nicely done here !
15. Set in a drought-ravaged Australia, years after a catastrophic impact event, it follows the antihero Tank Girl (Petty) as she, Jet Girl (Watts), and genetically modified supersoldiers called the Rippers fight "Water & Power", an oppressive corporation led by Kesslee (McDowell). -- a bit too many commas in this sentence -- could the sentence be split apart in two?
16. Writing in the 1997 book Trash Aesthetics: Popular Culture and Its Audience, Deborah Cartmell states that while the comic showed Tank Girl to be "unheroic or even [an] accidental anti-hero", the film sets her up with "classic western generic" emotional and moral justifications for her liberation and revenge on W&P; she witnesses the slaughter of her boyfriend and her "trusty steed", sees one of the commune's children abducted, and is herself captured and enslaved. -- a bit of a long sentence with lots of commas -- could this be broken in two? Or copyedited to be worded better and more succinctly?
17. Several uses of word "also", perhaps some of these are superfluous, and could be removed with only improvement in writing style?
18. About twelve (12) uses of word "but", maybe some of these could be copy-edited, or removed, to improve writing quality?
19. I spot-checked cited sources 35, 56, and 65. All checked out okay.
20. Summary: Very well done, very high quality article, about an underrepresented topic on Wikipedia. Excellent work overall. Just a few minor quibbles and then should be good to go. :)
21. NOTE: Please respond, below entire set of comments, and not interspersed throughout, thanks!

— Cirt (talk) 03:03, 2 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your comments Cirt. I've attempted to address everything you mentioned except the following:

• I'll get around to archiving the remaining citations later today
• Every FA film article i've seen (including the 3 i've previously successfully nominated for FAC) uses 'plot' instead of 'plot synopsis'
• The film doesn't appear to have an official website.
• Point 16: copyediting isn't my strong point, so i'd rather leave this alone unless you have a specific suggestions. All I could think of was replacing the comma splice withe a period, or removing the information about her "trusty steed", though this relates directly to the comments about it being "classic western".

Let me know if you have further concerns of if I need to put more work into any point i've addressed. :) Freikorp (talk) 04:27, 2 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Okay, sounds good so far, with those 2 examples, easiest way might be try breaking each up into two separate sentences for each example. Keep me posted, — Cirt (talk) 04:29, 2 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Hi again Cirt. I've archived those sources (one couldn't be archived due its formatting) and separated that text you mentioned into two sentences. I've also re-fromatted the image licensing, which is the only other thing I forgot to do in my first round of addressing your concerns. :) Freikorp (talk) 09:54, 2 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]