User talk:K8macbeth/sandbox

A very good start.... Given the title, the date of the commission and thus its end needs to be very clear, as does the fact that this all comes before the 1994 genocide. Dwebsterbu (talk) 21:21, 23 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Overall: strong citations, content is good and covers all aspects of the commission, most changes that need to be made have to do with sentence structure and clarity. Would be nice to have a couple of visuals. Make sure your sections/sentences are consistently in the same tense, past tense in most situations.

Introduction: “It held responsibly all levels of governmental authority and cited local officials often led attacks and incited Hutu citizens to take part.” → sentence structure is a bit confusing, consider revising the sentence.

“Rebel forces, the Rwanda Patriotic Front…” → perhaps add: “Rebel forces, called the Rwanda Patriotic Front” (or something along these lines)

Contents Great table of contents, outlines everything and flows well. Make sure to add References to this.

Background

“It was in the latter of these countries, Uganda…” (add countries) “By 1987, the RPF perceived a return to Rwanda that could only be successful through armament.” -- awkward sentence structure, consider removing “that could” and change to ‘would’

Appeal of the international community

“As an agreement of the Arusha Accords...” -- sentence structure → “As a part of the agreement of the Arusha Accords...” “Consequently, a handful of Rwandan human rights groups appealed to the international community requesting aid in the creation of an inquiry.” → change sentence structure, notably the final section “aid in the creation of an inquiry” → perhaps: “aid in the formation and creation of a truth commission inquiring into the abuses.”

Commissioners “The inquiry was carried out by ten commissioners from eight different countries…” “As well as organized logistics for the commissioners when they were in Rwanda; however, this was the extent of their involvement in the investigation”

Process “From which members of the public approached commissioners with tips” → I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here, consider clarifying.

Reports of Intimidation Monique Mujawamariya: the sentence about her in the car crash makes it seem like she was the one behind the crash → consider clarifying

Massacres “In the three major massacres that were investigated - which themselves compose of series of attacks over multiple days - the commission concluded that Rwandan authorities, at all levels of administration held varying degrees of responsibilities.” → needs clarification and change in sentence structure The massacre in Kibilira began on October 11, 1990, ten days after the beginning of the civil war, in a commune where Tutsi and Hutu had previously lived in a relatively peaceful coexistence” → make sure it’s in the correct tense (past) “Within their prefectures, movements were limited by roadblocks” What is a burgomaster? → include link to other wikipedia page

“Testimonies given led the commissioners to conclude…” → or something along these lines

“Having nothing to return to nor wanting to wish their lives…” → word choice of “nor”

The Question of Genocide “Along with any threats or incitements or complacency to commit genocide.” → use of the word “or” could be replaced by a comma Great section; good addition to the article.

Human Rights Abuses by the Rwandan Government → change the section to the past tense

Recommendation section is a solid overview.

Response and Criticism: Rwanda “...denoted the report as a biased document that had been influenced…” -- past tense

Internationally First sentence is too informal (“were gone”) Formatting of United States/American Government

Need to add a heading for “References” section

--Efingler12 (talk) 20:49, 14 March 2016 (UTC)_{Subscript text--Efingler12 (talk) 20:49, 14 March 2016 (UTC)}[reply]

Overall I don't really have any critiques (Emma summed up pretty much everything I was going to say!) it was a really thorough yet concise article. You had a good range of sources as well to back up your article. I went through and made some grammatical corrections, but it is a well formatted article in my opinion.

AqilHC (talk) 21:47, 14 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Good work here, this will make a strong wikipedia entry. I did a few minor edits including the names of organizations - which in a couple of cases were translated from English into French (by Rwanda commissioners?) then back into English again (by USIP?), with sometimes odd results. Some useful close reading in your peer review and some fixes are needed to bibliography formatting - which can be done later on. Overall solid work.

You should go ahead and move your article to the Wikipedia mainspace. Tips on doing this appear in the “Moving Out of Your Sandbox” handout, at https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Classroom_handout_-_moving_out_of_your_sandbox.pdf

You may also wish to consult, before the final deadline at the end of next week, the handout on “Polishing Your Article” at https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Polishing_your_articles.pdf Dwebsterbu (talk) 14:27, 23 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]